An Overachiever’s Guide to Asking for Help - Part 3
I picked my airpod off my lap for about the 20th time in the last hour.
I have tiny ears.
Usually, I can at least keep my airpods in my ears, but not today. Today, I’ve been smiling so wide that my cheeks keep popping those dang things out.
This is what happens when I talk to my friend Matthew Brown.
Everyone needs a friend like Matthew.
In part’s 1 and 2 of our series on how to ask for help, we learned how to think differently about asking for help and brainstormed different types of people or things that we can ask for. Those are in the moment fixes, but what if we want some more long-term solutions? How do I learn how to build a team of folks who consistently help each other and make each other better? How do I find these people for my committee, or at work, or even in my home?
My friend, Matthew, is one of these folks. So was my mom. After studying leadership and group dynamics at Harvard, I’ve noticed patterns in these types of folks. I call them champions who also champion others and they will embody 3 clear attributes:
Attribute 1: The Cheerleader
First and foremost, these people will cheer for all your successes. They will build you up anytime you see them. These are the folks that you are excited to share your wins with because you know they want to know all about them.
From a psychology perspective, celebrations are really powerful things. You see, our brain remembers what we repeat. Also, motivation takes consistent feeding. To feed your brain and build motivation for many projects to come, a celebration from someone you care about becomes super-charged power force.
Additionally, genuine celebrations signal trust. And we need our long-term helpers to be people we trust.
So, step one in building your own team of champions is to find the people who you want to celebrate with.
Attribute 2: The Resource Provider
Good vibes are helpful for motivation, but they don’t always help accomplish tasks. This is why attribute 2 is to find the folks that will provide skills and/or resources when it’s appropriate.
I used to naively think that as long as someone had potential and a good attitude, they could fill this role. However, I didn’t always check their current skill level and their own desire for the role. In doing so, I spent a lot of time and energy trying to fill in the gaps while I waited for them to skill up.
This not only left me without the ability to rely on them for help but also meant that I would take on extra because I felt like it was my fault and I needed to fill the gap. The result? Exhaustion, resentment, and guilt. And the trust we had built in celebrations? Gone.
Get really clear on the skills you’ll need from a team of champions. Not everyone needs to have every skill, but the team together should be able to round out the skills you need. Then, spend time figuring out the boundaries that will be needed so that help is only happening at appropriate times.
I’m calling out “appropriate” here because you don’t want someone who will always come to the rescue. You want someone who will provide skills when the timing is right for everyone involved. If someone is always stepping in to take over, they may have some of their own overachieving tendencies that will lead to overextension. We want a team of sustainable high performers. So, boundaries are a necessary safety check.
Attribute 3: The Straight Shooter
In my speeches, I joke that if you have someone with just the first two attributes, then you have a good friend. But it takes all three attributes to have a champion.
Someone who champions others will call you out when you start to head in the wrong direction.
With my friend Matthew, I know when he’s about to do it. He’ll take a breath in, tilt his head ever so slightly, and get a twinkle in his eye. When I see this, I know I’m about to be lovingly re-directed – and it is worth it every time.
As high performers, it’s important that we don’t surround ourselves with “yes men” all the time. Like I noted earlier about boundaries, you want to be surrounded by people who care about you enough to call you out when you start heading in a direction that will hurt your long-term goals. Adam Grant calls these folks “disagreeable givers.” They are the like Roy Kent from Ted Lasso. These folks have really good hearts and your best intent in mind - and because of it, they will tell you “no” when you need to hear the word “no.”
So, there you have it. 3 clear attributes to look for when you’re building your own team of high-performing champions. If you embrace these attributes and surround yourself without others who embrace them too, your overall success will only compound.
Thanks for reading with me today. I hope you start exploring those in your circle who can benefit from your high performing drive and can help you sustainably reach your goals.
