When “Hold Better Boundaries” is Bad Advice
…and what to do instead.
At my lowest point, my nervous system was shutting down from burnout, and I was carrying the grief of losing my mom to cancer. It was Christmas time and I was trying to keep up with the traditions of years past… but all it was doing was making me feel worse. I was overextending in every possible way. My therapist encouraged me to hold better boundaries with my family for one particular event.
And it blew up in my face.
I tried to state what I needed. I tried to say I couldn’t do everything the way they wanted. I tried to give them other options. My delivery was raw, blunt, and unskilled.
And I scared them enough that they stopped asking me to do anything at all and they walked on eggshells around me for years to come.
I lost the chance to partake in tasks I generally enjoy doing (and could have helped me regain confidence in my competence) and I have been working to rebuild our relationship ever since. I’ll admit that part of the issue was my skill in holding my boundaries, but the other part of the issue is something I see overused way too often lately.
You see, boundaries are one of those good things from the world of therapy that I’ve seen weaponized in recent years. They have gone too far.
What is a boundary? It’s a clear separation. Like a wall.
If you are dealing with a narcissist or a master manipulator, yes, use the boundaries to protect yourself in that relationship. That’s when we need walls - That hard clear boundary is protection.
But if I’m building walls between me and my boss, or me and my coworkers, or even between me and my family members, that’s a problem. Because I’m separating myself from one of the most valuable resources for doing things well – social support. When I am pursuing excellence, if I have cut myself off from others because “I’m trying to protect myself,” I have moved myself into isolation and will easily overextend in my effort to get everything done. What started as protection is now harmful because of the cost of the stress that comes from taking on too much by myself.
When I think of boundaries. I think of walls.
Walls are for static places.
You are not a place, and you are not static.
You are a person.
And you exist in relation to others.
Relationships need flexibility – space and room to grow and adapt.
So, I recommend that when you find yourself overextended, instead of “hold better boundaries,” learn the power of negotiating.
Instead of building a wall, negotiation encourages dialogue, discussion, and brainstorming.
Negotiation will honor the fact that there are power differences (which is a blind spot in boundary discussions) and mutuality on both sides (aka things that we both want).
Negotiation lets you dream of a highest possible option, a good option, and your walk away point. It’s more fluid than a boundary – it leaves space for the reality of the people in your circle.
Negotiation makes changes to a plan simply a problem to be solved. Boundaries make changes to a plan feel like a personal attack. For instance, when new variables arrive during a negotiation, it can sound like, “Hm, that wasn’t in the terms of the deal – should we look at it?” If something needs to change when a boundary has been laid, on the other hand, it feels like, “you don’t respect me and my needs!”
Also, negotiation encourages both parties to think through other valuable additions that may be outside of the realm of your original thinking. In contrast, boundaries are created in the isolation of the mind of the person setting them.
You prepare for a negotiation, but you also know that the outcome is not only in your hands and it’s not set in stone. You automatically prepare yourself to hold space for more options because the outcome is created by both you and the other person. The dialogue is a necessity. And the relationship you build in that process is one of the most powerful things for long-term success of both parties.
So, if you’re finding yourself overextended, don’t just jump to thinking of the boundary walls you want erect. Instead, remember that most of the people in your circle want to be part of your success and you have the power to renegotiate. When you do, you make it possible to bring about bigger rewards than any one of you could have done alone.
Thanks for reading with me today. If you’re feeling overextended, I hope you take this as an opportunity to look at what you may be able to renegotiate this week.
